Duck-Face and Other Facebook Advice for Idiots

Girls: I’m so tired of pictures of young teen girls making duck-face. I don’t know who started it, or why it’s so freaking “in” right now, but it’s stupid.

You know “duck-face”, it’s when someone makes a face like they’re kissing the invisible man, and then someone takes a picture. I don’t know what this particular pose is supposed to say about the person in the picture, but all it says to me is “duck-face”.

It’s not sexy, it’s not pretty, it’s not even cute. Most of the time, the person making the face is probably not even old enough to open a Facebook account without lying about her age. Anyone who likes duck-faced preteens really shouldn’t be on Facebook, and those duck-faced preteens really ought to be told that the only people they’re impressing are people they really shouldn’t be interacting with.

And duck-face aside, stop taking pictures of yourself. One is ok, if you don’t have anyone else to take your picture, and you need a recent profile pic so stalkers know it’s you and not someone else, but over and over and over, I see the same people taking pics of themselves in bathroom mirrors at the bar, car mirrors when they probably ought to be watching the road, and when there isn’t a mirror handy they just turn the iPhone that I have no idea how they could afford in the first place around…

Just stop! I realize you’re in love with yourself, but if you spend more time looking at your own face-book page than you do anything else, you have a problem! Just get a pocket mirror and make duck-face at yourself when you feel the urge.

And guys, stop with the gang sings. Seriously, I don’t give a rats ass if you are or aren’t in a gang, throwing up your signs on facebook does nothing for your street cred, I’m sure. Nobody’s going to check your Facebook page to make sure you were representing before you get jumped in, and chances are your mom is your only follower anyway, and she’s more likely to think you’re making shadow puppets.

For God’s sake (not to mention my own) stop commenting on every god damned play of every god damned sporting event. I can’t fucking stand that my wall is filled with crap like “GAAARRRARAR! HOW CAN HE MISS THAT SHOT?!?!?!1!” especially when you’re obviously watching a basketball game, cause there’s hundreds of shots, missed or otherwise.

Enough posts about bacon too, by the way. Yeah, bacon is great, but the novelty of it has worn the fuck off. Random posts are only random when they’re not about the same god damned thing over and over. I get it, you like bacon. So do I. Move the fuck on.

Everyone: Facebook is a place to keep in touch with family and friends and share pictures that people other than you want to see. Stop using it as a dumping grounds for your drama and other bullshit. And if you’re going to post at all, for the love of god, learn how to spell.

Learn the difference between there, their, and they’re, and employ it. You did not here the guy, and when you agree, it is not “here here”.

“U” is a letter, not a word. Same goes for “R”, I don’t care what that toy-selling giraffe says. You never need more than two exclamation points or question marks, in my opinion, but grammatically, I think you can get away with three. There’s no need for more than that, it just makes you like stupid.

I am not going to play farmville, cityville, townville, castleville, tentville, houseville, schoolville, smallville, largeville, mediumsizeville, villeville or anything else with you. …except maybe words with friends… but if I haven’t accepted your first request STOP. Sending a thousand more is not going to change my fucking mind!

I don’t need to know every fucking song you listened to on spotify since you signed up. Turn that posting shit off.

I swear to god, I think some of you people only go to the gym to “check in”.

And no, I don’t fucking want to be friends with your dog, cat, parakeet, scorpion, salamander, beta fish, orangutan or any other freaking pet you think it’s funny to make stupid posts as. The only reason I see to put your pet on Facebook is if it’s a duck, and it’s not making duck-face. THAT I would like to see.

…In retrospect, I think I would probably accept your pet scorpion’s friend request…

So that’s a good start, I think. Read it a couple times, and then go to your profile and fix shit.


Don’t Give God The Credit!

So here’s the deal. I’ve had a few beers. Heavy ones, around 10%. I’m likely to be one-sided and single minded in the rest of this blog post, but hey, that’s my right. Feel free to disagree with me in the comments, that’s your right. That’s why I created this blog. Fuck you.

I’m feeling a little bit cynical and jaded tonight, and trolling around on twitter, looking at people’s blogs, if they have them in their profiles… I come across this one from a lass in GA… Lilpeachsomethingorother.blogspot.something… I dunno.

Anyway, it’s some piece of whiny bullshit, about how two people at work are at odds with one another, but she’s friends with them both. Every so-often one or the other comes to her and starts complaining about the other, and she’s totally ashamed about how sometimes she participates. She wants to find some way to stop without alienating one or the other.

She goes on to say she gets daily emails from some bible website or some crap, and got inspiration from there. Good for her, I say. She forwarded these words of wisdom to the two idiots at work, both of whom agreed it was great not to judge, etc…  She found her out. Good for her.

My beef is that at the end of the post she thanked god for sending this email.

C’mon. Seriously? God didn’t send you the god damned email. Some fucking website did that has 20,000 other such generic fucking fortune cookie crap quotes queued to send. The owner of the website will be LONG dead and gone before all the fucking emails are done being sent, and a bazillion people will be thanking god for sending them between now and then.

God doesn’t send email. If you even choose to believe there is a god, you have to admit: he’d work differently. It’s not like he did nothing until some jackass invented the internet, and then email, and then all of a sudden he could work his frickin magic.

If you choose to believe in god, and I’m not saying whether or not I do, don’t thank him for sending you email. Thank him for giving you a fucking brain so you can realize you just coincidentally got an email that made you realize you already knew what to do.

Tell the two of them to cut the shit. Alientate them both, I say. Sack the fuck up and tell each that you like the other and they can fucking deal with it, end of fucking story. If they suddenly don’t like you because you’re a stand up person, they weren’t real friends any fucking way.

Man, this shit makes me mad. “Thank the guy who I believe made me, because I don’t have to stand behind my own convictions now!” Bullshit.

You feel like an asshole, because you’re acting like an asshole. Feel like a good person because you acted like a good person, not because you tricked a couple of shitheads into burring the axe!

God, I hate people.


I think it’s safe to say I missed the end of the A to Z challenge. I think that’s ok though, I got in some good posts on 3 different blogs and met some folks who didn’t ask me to diagnose their email connection to Outlook problem.

This little hiatus has given me the chance to relax a bit, digest some information, internalize and come to some conclusions. Things, I think that are necessary for us introverts to experience from time to time. You damned humans wear us the fuck out. Don’t take it personally though, it’s the nature of the beast. Most people (it seems) like to talk, and want to know what I think. 9 times out of 10, I just don’t give a shit, but that’s not the opinion you wanna hear, so I have to fire up the ol’ creativity forge and spit out some bs. Or, I just tell you I don’t give a shit, and you have to live with it.

You’d think after a few times, you’d stop asking. Isn’t the definition of futility trying the same thing over and over and expecting different results?

On a side note, I’m tired of cleaning up spyware. Jesus, stop clicking stupid shit! “Uh Oh, ur machin is infeckted, click here to fix it!” This shit still fools you? C’mon. If you know you have Norton anti-virus, why would you believe a freakin popup from XPANtivirus 2012?

On another side not, a friend of mine works in a fairly large IT consulting firm who hires the most ridiculously stupid people to staff the help-desk. I’m convoked that this friend of mine hasn’t been promoted, because the tickets would stop getting resolved. Anyway, the group of friends we both belong to has started a blog for him: It’s a little spartan now, and if you’re easily, or even semi-easily offended, you might wanna steer clear. It gets a little graphic.

#atozchallenge – took a hiatus

Sorry folks. I took the week off to spend time with my family while the kids were on April Vacation, and as such, I made the conscious decision to stay away from the computer for that time.

I will be back, and I will not only pick up where I left off, but I will also make it a point to answer all unanswered comments and visit commenters’

Gaming #atozchallenge

So as with any useful tool, someone who gets comfortable enough using a computer is going to start to play games. Now, if you bought your computer yourself and put it in your own home, you have every right to do so. However, your computer at work is NOT a toy. You are probably not supposed to be playing games on it.

Now, Minesweeper or solitaire, not a huge deal really. The only beef I could see an employer having with that is that your productivity may not be what it should be. You may be distracted. When I get pissy is when I start having to rush over and fix virus and malware issues because you clicked a link in Facebook to play Farmville, and now all of a sudden you’re getting popups for anti-virus programs that are really viruses…

Ok. I realize we’re all human, and if your work is done, you probably deserve some screwing around time. It’s really not that big a deal. But honest to god, it is the most difficult thing to be dealing with something that a user caused, WHILE getting grief about their computer being unavailable. I know you didn’t intend to install the malware, but you did. I can’t go back in time and prevent it, I can only fix it.

It’s like trying to drive through a six foot deep puddle, and then complaining that you have been without your car for the last two days while the mechanic is replacing your engine. I’m sure he’d realize that you thought you could make it, but you didn’t. Now there’s work to be done.

Facebook games are the worst. Most are legitimate, but the ads that come on the page aren’t always.

If you can’t simply use your work computer for work, and you’re hell bent on playing games on facebook I recommend using a browser other than Internet Explorer. Use FireFox, and install Adblocker plus. This will lower your risk of infecting yourself.

Why Am I Blogging?

As I’d mentioned, I am an I.T. guy, and have been for over ten years now.

I was once a happy-go-lucky, fun-loving guy without a care in the world. I skated through high school, and into college, where my laid back attitude got me tossed out. Apparently college is harder than high school. …who knew, right?

Anyway, I landed relatively on my feet in the land of I.T. It was a little more complicated than that, but those are the main points of the story.

I’m starting to get pretty fucking angry about I.T. When I started out, it was fun. I liked knowing the answers to everyone’s questions. I liked being the go to guy. I enjoyed being relied upon, and getting the thanks when things started working again. It was fulfilling.

I took classes that my bosses paid for, and I shined in. The subject matter was easy, it all made sense. I didn’t fall asleep in class like I did in physics. I frequently marveled that there were people who would pay me to do this shit, that I found so easy.

The nature of technology though, is change. Once you learn something, they change it up, and you know what can be done, but you have to learn the new way of doing it. It pisses me off. I get comfortable with something, and blam… it’s different. Gotta relearn. Why change it? It worked! It did what we needed and it was solid. Now it’s different and new, and has software bugs. Gotta wait for the service pack, but you have to upgrade, cause the old software isn’t supported anymore.

They call it progress. I call it bullshit.

Every time you roll the god damned boulder up the hill, it rolls back down, and you gotta start all over again.

The day-to-day of IT is just as bad. Same problem users, same problems. There’s never a finished product, nothing that will last at least. A carpenter gets finished with his work, and can take pictures of it, and admire it. A job well done. When I’m done, the best I can say is that nothing’s malfunctioning. The software or hardware is doing what it’s supposed to do. Everyone can get back to their status quo.

Sure, there are projects that can be done for clients to make their businesses function well, and you can stand back and people are going “Hey, this is great!” and yes, that does feel pretty good… but you know that all you did was follow instructions. The software has requirements that are spelled out, and you followed them. Big frigging deal. You can read.

So you glean as much satisfaction out of the project well done as you can, and then in three years, it’s obsolete and you have to figure out how to do it all again, with new bullshit software.

I guess I’m just sick of it. Obviously, every job has its problems, and after a while I’m sure I’d get sick of doing just about anything that isn’t limited to collecting money and being lazy. But, I don’t have to rationalize it, I have a blog where I can blow off steam and piss and moan. For now, that’ll have to do.