Stop Sharing my Photos on Facebook!

ImageSeems like every other day I’m bitching about Facebook, huh? 

I like Facebook, if truth be told. It’s easy to keep in touch with folks, and see pictures of people you love (or don’t) that you otherwise wouldn’t. If you didn’t want to see those pictures, you can always unfriend them, whatever… You manage what you see. 

I have kids, and family all over the country. I like to be able to throw a picture of my kids up there for free, and have family not hound me to mail them pictures from time to time. 

It’d be nice if that’s all Facebook was ever used for, but no… People play games, and to play some games, you need other friends who play games, so people are “friends” with people they’ve never fucking met, just so that there’s someone around in the wee hours of the morning to harvest their crops and collect their rent, and plant some grapes and shave their sheep. 

Now, I’m not shitting on everyone who plays those games. Some of them are fun for a little while, and everything. Whatever. But for all you know you could have just friended some bat-winged forked-tongue jackass with a penchant for little kids. Now he’s looking at your pictures. And MINE because you fucking can’t just look at these pictures, you have to hit “Share”. I don’t need fucking whack-job sheep shaver knowing what my kid looks like.

This is why I don’t mail you pictures cause for all I fucking know, you’re standing outside the supermarket flashing the picture in the faces of everyone who walks by. But see, even that is not as bad as hitting the “share” button, because when you hit the share button, your wall says “You’ve shared Grumpy’s picture” and Sheep-shave gets to click on my profile. And because I’m fucking paranoid, he gets pretty much nowhere. 

But the average chump thinks nothing of posting his location on his page publically. Now the whack job who eats kids knows this kid is somewhere between the ages of 5 and 9 and knows what town she lives in. Next he’s staking out elementary schools, cause you fucking needed your your little bakery supplied with oats at 2am.

You wouldn’t sit down and play chess in the park with someone you don’t know and can’t see. Why would you do it online? You’re inviting these people into your lives and the lives of your loved ones. Cut the fucking shit.


Duck-Face and Other Facebook Advice for Idiots

Girls: I’m so tired of pictures of young teen girls making duck-face. I don’t know who started it, or why it’s so freaking “in” right now, but it’s stupid.

You know “duck-face”, it’s when someone makes a face like they’re kissing the invisible man, and then someone takes a picture. I don’t know what this particular pose is supposed to say about the person in the picture, but all it says to me is “duck-face”.

It’s not sexy, it’s not pretty, it’s not even cute. Most of the time, the person making the face is probably not even old enough to open a Facebook account without lying about her age. Anyone who likes duck-faced preteens really shouldn’t be on Facebook, and those duck-faced preteens really ought to be told that the only people they’re impressing are people they really shouldn’t be interacting with.

And duck-face aside, stop taking pictures of yourself. One is ok, if you don’t have anyone else to take your picture, and you need a recent profile pic so stalkers know it’s you and not someone else, but over and over and over, I see the same people taking pics of themselves in bathroom mirrors at the bar, car mirrors when they probably ought to be watching the road, and when there isn’t a mirror handy they just turn the iPhone that I have no idea how they could afford in the first place around…

Just stop! I realize you’re in love with yourself, but if you spend more time looking at your own face-book page than you do anything else, you have a problem! Just get a pocket mirror and make duck-face at yourself when you feel the urge.

And guys, stop with the gang sings. Seriously, I don’t give a rats ass if you are or aren’t in a gang, throwing up your signs on facebook does nothing for your street cred, I’m sure. Nobody’s going to check your Facebook page to make sure you were representing before you get jumped in, and chances are your mom is your only follower anyway, and she’s more likely to think you’re making shadow puppets.

For God’s sake (not to mention my own) stop commenting on every god damned play of every god damned sporting event. I can’t fucking stand that my wall is filled with crap like “GAAARRRARAR! HOW CAN HE MISS THAT SHOT?!?!?!1!” especially when you’re obviously watching a basketball game, cause there’s hundreds of shots, missed or otherwise.

Enough posts about bacon too, by the way. Yeah, bacon is great, but the novelty of it has worn the fuck off. Random posts are only random when they’re not about the same god damned thing over and over. I get it, you like bacon. So do I. Move the fuck on.

Everyone: Facebook is a place to keep in touch with family and friends and share pictures that people other than you want to see. Stop using it as a dumping grounds for your drama and other bullshit. And if you’re going to post at all, for the love of god, learn how to spell.

Learn the difference between there, their, and they’re, and employ it. You did not here the guy, and when you agree, it is not “here here”.

“U” is a letter, not a word. Same goes for “R”, I don’t care what that toy-selling giraffe says. You never need more than two exclamation points or question marks, in my opinion, but grammatically, I think you can get away with three. There’s no need for more than that, it just makes you like stupid.

I am not going to play farmville, cityville, townville, castleville, tentville, houseville, schoolville, smallville, largeville, mediumsizeville, villeville or anything else with you. …except maybe words with friends… but if I haven’t accepted your first request STOP. Sending a thousand more is not going to change my fucking mind!

I don’t need to know every fucking song you listened to on spotify since you signed up. Turn that posting shit off.

I swear to god, I think some of you people only go to the gym to “check in”.

And no, I don’t fucking want to be friends with your dog, cat, parakeet, scorpion, salamander, beta fish, orangutan or any other freaking pet you think it’s funny to make stupid posts as. The only reason I see to put your pet on Facebook is if it’s a duck, and it’s not making duck-face. THAT I would like to see.

…In retrospect, I think I would probably accept your pet scorpion’s friend request…

So that’s a good start, I think. Read it a couple times, and then go to your profile and fix shit.


Facebook in the Workplace

The whole bloody world is on Facebook. I am. This blog is. My other blogs are. My company is. Almost everyone I know is, and most of their kids are too. Hell, even some of their pets are.

People seem obsessed with sharing everything. For instance:

Excellent movie, by the way.

The problem is though, that once you put something on the internet, it’s there. Forever. Someone saw it, they now know, for better or worse.

Some years back, Facebook was banned from most offices because people were doing a lot of goofing off. Lately, I’ve been removing said ban from a lot of firewalls and content filters because now, lots of companies are finding it beneficial to have facebook pages for marketing reasons.

It seems to me that there’s a big “If you can’t beat em, join em” movement. Sure, they can block facebook at the corporate level, but everyone has the internet on their phones now anyway. If they’re hell bent of fucking around on Facebook, they’re going to do it one way or another. If they’re going to be therethere, you should be to. If you can’t stop them, at least you can shove your product in their face.

Still though, as a company do you really think it’s smart to associate with your employees when they could be saying some pretty stupid things? Do you really want the world to know that the guy who has a picture of himself flipping off the camera is your employee?

“We’re Good day sunshine day care! Find us on facebook! Pay no attention to the fact that the page admin’s name is “David ‘Bluntman’ Smith” and his information says his interest is hookers and beer.”

How do you feel about this? What’s your company’s stance?