Duck-Face and Other Facebook Advice for Idiots

Girls: I’m so tired of pictures of young teen girls making duck-face. I don’t know who started it, or why it’s so freaking “in” right now, but it’s stupid.

You know “duck-face”, it’s when someone makes a face like they’re kissing the invisible man, and then someone takes a picture. I don’t know what this particular pose is supposed to say about the person in the picture, but all it says to me is “duck-face”.

It’s not sexy, it’s not pretty, it’s not even cute. Most of the time, the person making the face is probably not even old enough to open a Facebook account without lying about her age. Anyone who likes duck-faced preteens really shouldn’t be on Facebook, and those duck-faced preteens really ought to be told that the only people they’re impressing are people they really shouldn’t be interacting with.

And duck-face aside, stop taking pictures of yourself. One is ok, if you don’t have anyone else to take your picture, and you need a recent profile pic so stalkers know it’s you and not someone else, but over and over and over, I see the same people taking pics of themselves in bathroom mirrors at the bar, car mirrors when they probably ought to be watching the road, and when there isn’t a mirror handy they just turn the iPhone that I have no idea how they could afford in the first place around…

Just stop! I realize you’re in love with yourself, but if you spend more time looking at your own face-book page than you do anything else, you have a problem! Just get a pocket mirror and make duck-face at yourself when you feel the urge.

And guys, stop with the gang sings. Seriously, I don’t give a rats ass if you are or aren’t in a gang, throwing up your signs on facebook does nothing for your street cred, I’m sure. Nobody’s going to check your Facebook page to make sure you were representing before you get jumped in, and chances are your mom is your only follower anyway, and she’s more likely to think you’re making shadow puppets.

For God’s sake (not to mention my own) stop commenting on every god damned play of every god damned sporting event. I can’t fucking stand that my wall is filled with crap like “GAAARRRARAR! HOW CAN HE MISS THAT SHOT?!?!?!1!” especially when you’re obviously watching a basketball game, cause there’s hundreds of shots, missed or otherwise.

Enough posts about bacon too, by the way. Yeah, bacon is great, but the novelty of it has worn the fuck off. Random posts are only random when they’re not about the same god damned thing over and over. I get it, you like bacon. So do I. Move the fuck on.

Everyone: Facebook is a place to keep in touch with family and friends and share pictures that people other than you want to see. Stop using it as a dumping grounds for your drama and other bullshit. And if you’re going to post at all, for the love of god, learn how to spell.

Learn the difference between there, their, and they’re, and employ it. You did not here the guy, and when you agree, it is not “here here”.

“U” is a letter, not a word. Same goes for “R”, I don’t care what that toy-selling giraffe says. You never need more than two exclamation points or question marks, in my opinion, but grammatically, I think you can get away with three. There’s no need for more than that, it just makes you like stupid.

I am not going to play farmville, cityville, townville, castleville, tentville, houseville, schoolville, smallville, largeville, mediumsizeville, villeville or anything else with you. …except maybe words with friends… but if I haven’t accepted your first request STOP. Sending a thousand more is not going to change my fucking mind!

I don’t need to know every fucking song you listened to on spotify since you signed up. Turn that posting shit off.

I swear to god, I think some of you people only go to the gym to “check in”.

And no, I don’t fucking want to be friends with your dog, cat, parakeet, scorpion, salamander, beta fish, orangutan or any other freaking pet you think it’s funny to make stupid posts as. The only reason I see to put your pet on Facebook is if it’s a duck, and it’s not making duck-face. THAT I would like to see.

…In retrospect, I think I would probably accept your pet scorpion’s friend request…

So that’s a good start, I think. Read it a couple times, and then go to your profile and fix shit.

Thanks.